Confessions of a Gamer Mom

Yep, that’s me. As soon as the baby’s eyes close for the night (and he’s an excellent sleeper), I’m hooked into the MMO of choice. Sometimes I’ll let grandparents or his father take care of him for hours, so I can play.

I didn’t plan for it to be this way. The plan was to drop gaming completely to take care of the baby. I was well on my way, too. By three months into the pregnancy, I was weaned. I’d replaced my gaming with needlework, which made sense to me at the time.

Then suddenly, at six months pregnant, my baby arrived. No warning. The pregnancy had been smooth sailing up until that point, beyond a general feeling of unwellness.

They ensconced my two and a half pound child in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, and after three days recovering from my emergency caesarean, they sent me home.

Home. I was at home. With no baby and nothing to do. For months.

I went in to hold him for a few hours every day, but I was relying on my parents for transportation. I offered to take the bus so I could stay as long as I wanted, but my parents refused to let me partake of germ and virus laden public transport over the winter months while I visited a tiny, very fragile little creature every day. I would stay until someone took him away from me. The most I got out of that was six hours. Usually it was two.

The rest of the time, I spent at home. Crying. And pumping. I wasn’t allowed to sleep more than a few hours at a time. I was hooked to a machine.

The only other thing I could do than cry, was play. So I dove back into that MMO and played and played and played.

Now my healthy, beautiful son has been home for six months, but the addiction that I’d so carefully managed to divest myself of is back with a vengeance.

This isn’t how I wanted my life as a mom to be.

But sometimes, it’s all I can do to keep myself from crying, just be someone else, every spare minute I can get.

Why is giving up such a crime?

As someone struggling with mental issues, giving up is something I do every day on a variety of scales from “absolutely everything” to “this game”. I give up on projects. I give up on jobs. I give up on ideas. I give up on people.

But that’s the worst thing you can do, right? Give up? No matter what you’re doing, it’s better to keep trudging forward than to give up, right? You’ll never amount to anything if you can’t stick to it. When you just can’t take something anymore, you’re branded as something rotten for not seeing it through. Continue reading

Back to the Future: Tyria Edition

Wait, no. This is the past. Except, when we’re done with the past, we go… back to the future! Just like Marty McFly! We could be in the movies!

Except they’d technically be machinima. And probably awkward and unwatchable.


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GW2 PvP Woes

No thought going into this post, other than QQ.

I hope everybody who asked for custom PvP teams is happy, because I lost the ability to be on random teams every time and have close games every match. That’s gone now. Now it’s brutal defeat or yawning wins on every random server I try. Well, it was nice enjoying PvP for a while.

A Tribute Rant for my Shepards

Kotaku’s been doing a little Mass Effect tribute this week.

I’ve never lost a Shepard. Unless you count the one on the XBox. And I have four, three of whom will never die. Here’s my little contribution to this tribute.

Not a flattering image, but he’s not a flattering person.

Name: Callum Shepard

Backstory: Ruthless Earthborn

Paragon/Renegade: Renegade

Favourite Memory: The first thing that comes to mind is the interrupt in the Assassin quest. “I’ve got nothing to say to you. If you shoot me–“, says the Eclipse mook before being unceremoniously shoved through a plate glass window. “How about ‘goodbye’?” I got this warm fuzzy feeling all over after that, well, after I finished laughing. Continue reading